The first two lines of the last stanza really sticks out. I'm not too happy with it. It just lessens the impact of the following lines that are much more powerful and crucial.

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[art log] [dev gallery]

to begin with, i'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but the end rhyme scheme of the second and third stanzas is different to that of the first. that said, i'm not sure what "Charybdis and Scylla" are, and they might be pronounced differently to how i am pronouncing them.

i think the first three lines are tremendously evocative - images of silhouettes against fury, danger, and despair. the last line of that stanza is (this is just to me thought) a bit flat compared to the fresh imagery of the rest. also, just a small personal thing, i would have a comma instead of a full stop after scylla, but that's just something i associate with fixed and rhyming poems.

the second stanza is a stark take on the sirens story, and seems to focus more on the feeling part of the story rather than the thinking part, with emphasis on touch and sound. i love the use of the word breathtaken here. the last line leaps out a bit at me, i think it could be worded to fit in the pulse of the previous three lines, driving towards something to be felt brilliantly.

i think the first two lines of the third stanza are necessary to wrench us back down into the personal and real nature of the poem (maybe a comma after jealously?) and are done well. the third line of this stanza is the key, to me, i love cleverness, especially when it's so tender and carefully foreboding.

im sure you have a reason for punctuating the last line as you do, but it's not settling well with me at 2.51 am, i suppose i'm looking for an easy end. im sure there's an obvious reason that i'm just not seeing that links in the last line.

ok, i haven't done much in the way of critiques, so, uh, critique my critique gently.

i know it's hard to write on subjects like this when it seems so much has already been said before, but you've made it like the siren's call, always there.

Charybdis and Scylla are the dangers oddyseus faced in the seas. One's a whirlpool. The other's a monster.

I appreciate your comments and I'll get back to this poem. Needs a lot of work.

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[You're half a world away but in my mind I whisper every single word you say] -Oceanlab's Sattelite

ugh, I see. I really am starting to hate the last line of the first stanza.

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[You're half a world away but in my mind I whisper every single word you say] -Oceanlab's Sattelite

Hmm. What's the rhyming scheme here - ABAA, CCDC, EEFE? Someone up there asked if that was intentional, and I didn't see if you replied or not. Was it? In terms of working with a form, I think it'd be great if you could make them all the same, or even symmetrical - something like ABAA, CCDC, EFEE. That's just my thoughts as someone who plays with structure far too much. Of course, the most fun way of all would be ABBB, CDCC, EEFE, GGGH, the non-rhyming word slipping downwards through the stanzas. Ooh, I want to do that now.

Let's trace crop circles on our jealousy.
Green and bountiful fields of disharmony
Mar the continent of heart's content.
Let's. Just. Say goodbye softly.

I think this is the most successful verse of the three by a long shot - progressing from that BEAUTIFUL first line to the lovely continent references (more on that in a sec) and the interesting use of full stops in the final line. I actually wonder if in the context taking all the capitals out of this would make that more effective, because the capitals wouldn't be there to make that look off-balance - 'let's. just. say goodbye softly.' But of course, that depends on your attitude towards a lack of capitalisation.

I just want to quote you a bit from a poem by Humbert Wolfe, because your continent line reminded me beautifully of it:

Since it is evening
let us invent
love's undiscovered
continent.

What shall we steer by,
having no chart
but the deliberate
fraud of the heart?

I'm not sure if those linebreaks are right, since I'm repeating it from memory, but you see the resemblance. Holst did an amazing setting of that poem, and I'm humming it now. Thankyou for reminding me of it!

I think my definite advice for you not being happy with this is to either A) have a clearer structure plan in mind before writing or B) Just write again, and let the text influence the structure instead of the other way around. Trying to do both at once never seems to work. It's definitely those first two stanzas that seem forced, I think. If you want help with metric scannings and the like I'm happy to help out.

Ok. I'll clean up the structure. I actually hate the first stanza on this one.

The varying structure was intentional, and partly due to the fact that I didn't know how to pronounce Scylla.

I'll make it AABA then. I'll get through my exams first though.

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[You're half a world away but in my mind I whisper every single word you say] -Oceanlab's Sattelite

Exams are definitely more important, yes.